I joke around about how I have the attention span of a two-year old, but there’s quite a bit of truth to that. I always bring my Kindle with me on airplanes with the good intention of reading but almost never can focus on it and end up with headphones in my ears, thinking over things I’ve had on my mind. Small stuff like recent things I’ve been up to or what I have on my to-do list. And big things like the person I want to become, what the next step of my personal evolution might be and what I need to do get there. I think a lot about the people in my life and if I’ve been a good friend, daughter, sister, aunt, colleague, boss, neighbor, human. What can I do to be better? How can I get out of my own way and connect with those around me in a more meaningful way? My brain seems to run as fast as the plane I’m sitting on, propelling towards the east coast at 500 mph.
At the same time, while in flight, the world seems to sit still for a couple of hours. No internet, TV, texts to distract me. No gym to run off to. No emergency calls from work. It’s a time to just sit and be, which is something I am terrible at doing.
Even now, I feel this urge to reach into my pocket and check my phone, even though I can’t. I have a really hard time focusing on just one thing at a time, which is something that really bothers me about myself. And it’s not just with technology. It’s with everything. I can’t stand still, for example, when I brush my teeth. I will walk around my house and pick-up things out of place or brush while rinsing my hair out in the shower… depending on what time of day it is. I’m constantly figuring out the most efficient ways to do the stupidest things. Laundry, dishes, you name it… what else can I do at the same time in order to make the most of my time.
Before I go on, some news: I started writing my “book.” (I’m still not taking myself too seriously with that.) Finally. Ok, ok. I’ve written five paragraphs… but it’s taken a LOT of days and nights over the past few months spent staring at a blinking cursor to get that far. While it’s barely a start, the short part of the story I’ve typed so far has opened a lot of doors inside me that I’ve kept closed and locked for a long time, which in turn has given me some insight to the road still ahead of me. (Thanks, 10-year-old self.)
I’ve written before about how now, at 32, I finally feel like I’m coming into my own after spending most of my existence sitting and waiting for life to come to me. And while that’s true, I realize that I still have things to surmount. Like how I tend to keep people at arm’s length, rather than let my guard down and really let people in. Or live in the moment rather than constantly thinking ahead and strategizing every mundane thing, like I touched on briefly in a recent post.
Sitting here in this plane, I realize those two things are completely related. I’ve stayed single on purpose because I’m comfortable alone. I’m not bothering anyone and am accountable only to myself. It’s predictable and I can control it. And although it’s comfortable… how boring is that? And didn’t I just write about how comfortable is boring?
I’m a big, fat hypocrite.
This may be perhaps the hardest thing for me to conquer yet, as it’s not something you can control or force. It has to happen on its own. The part I struggle with is letting it happen.
I read this article recently that talks about the regret and ‘what ifs’ we all may face one day. It’s an evocative reminder to live life RIGHT NOW.
One line in particular struck a chord with me:
“It’s the missed opportunities — when we could have acted but didn’t – that sometimes are the most haunting.”
Hiding in comfort is easy. But how sad will it be if I live my entire life alone, passing up something awesome with someone even awesomer (it’s a word, you guys) just because I’m scared of getting burned?
Take the time to evaluate your own life. What do you wish for? What do you really want in this life? How can you make (or in my case, ‘let’) it happen?
The evolution continues…