Still Standing

You know how sometimes your laptop just starts acting a little… off?  It’ll start taking forever for things to open or it won’t stay connected to the internet.  It gets frustrating and you think you’re about to lose your mind.  But you have a million things open that you’re working on and you really don’t want to shut it all down and re-open everything again one-by-one… so you deal with it.  After mounting frustration, you finally face the fact that a reboot is the only thing that will fix it.

Sometimes we humans need a reboot too.  I feel like I’ve done a major one on myself over the past sixty days.  It was forced upon me.  It was painful.  It was hard.  It was frustrating.  But it was exactly what I needed.  And I know it was what I needed and the work I’ve done is real,  because this weekend, when tough conversations were had with someone I still love, I was okay.  I felt, and continue to feel, a lot of things about what was revealed, but I didn’t explode into an emotional disaster like I have in the past.  I’m looking at life rationally and with an open mind and a healthy curiosity.  For the past two months, I’ve been taking a long hard look at myself… reflecting on my past, looking forward to my future and studying the relationship between the two.  Incredible self-realizations have surfaced and I feel stronger than I ever have.  There are still uncertainties to navigate through, there always will be in life, but I know I’m on solid footing now to  handle it better.

In my darkest and hardest moments these past two months, my friends told me that it would get better.  They told me that there was a reason for the pain and I would see what that reason was in time.  When you’re in the thick of the fog, when your heart is in a million pieces,  when you think you won’t survive it… that’s the last thing you want to hear.  But we HAVE to hear it.  And we have to try and believe in it.  Because as hard as life’s heartbreaks are to go through, there IS a reason and it DOES get better.  I’m living proof of that.

“When everything seems to be going against you, remember that the airplane takes off against the wind, not with it.”  – Henry Ford






Glitter in the Air

After work and running errands last Tuesday night, I was finally ready to relax for a little while before preparing for the following day.  I flipped on my TV as I fell into my big leather couch and the channel I had left it on twelve hours earlier made an appearance on the 46″ screen.

One of the Glees was singing, as they do, and while normally I would flip away from that show as quickly as possible, I immediately recognized the tune.  I was mesmerized for a minute, as I would consider it one of my all-time favorite songs, yet, I realized in that moment that I hadn’t listened to it in quite a long time.

I turned off the TV and pulled up the real version on my iPhone.  I slipped headphones over my ears and fell into the music as if it were the first time I’d listened to it.  It may be one of the most gut-wrenching, real, honest, beautiful lyrics  about love ever written.   Ever.

As the piano dances at the start, can’t you just picture a fistful of glitter being tossed up into the air?  You’ve been clutching onto it tight for so long in order to keep it safe, and in an instant it explodes as it bursts free from your grip.  You have no idea where or how it’s going to land, but you throw it out there anyway.  Isn’t that what love is?

“Have you ever fed a lover with just your hands?
Closed your eyes and trusted, just trusted
Have you ever thrown a fist full of glitter in the air?
Have you ever looked fear in the face and said I just don’t care?

It’s only half past the point of no return
The tip of the iceberg, the sun before the burn
The thunder before the lightning, and the breath before the phrase
Have you ever felt this way?”

I mean, my God, how beautiful and true is that?  The sun before the burn, the breath before the phrase.  It’s not one or the other.    Love isn’t happy, it’s not sad.  It’s not certain, it’s not doubtful.  It’s all of those things at the same time.  Chaos spinning around us as we search for that perfect moment where it all comes together in a breath and we finally come face-to-face with the other half of our soul.   Wanting so badly for that moment to last forever, but knowing it can’t, we reach out for their hand, hoping they reach back, before getting sucked again into the spin.   Closing your eyes and having faith that you’ll land with your fingers still interlaced.