Improvement

The sun was setting as I slipped my feet into my black yoga mat sandals after my meditation class last night.  I felt very much at peace as I walked slowly to my car.  Ninety  minutes of sitting in tranquility will do that, I’ve found.

I turned my radio off as I started my car; I’ve come to appreciate the quiet.  I sent a couple of texts and started making my way back to my corner of the city.  I made several stops on my way and I felt a sense of uneasiness taking over again.  It’s something I haven’t been able to shake over the last couple of days.  I would describe it as feeling… unsettled.  Anxious.  And I don’t know WHY, so it also makes me feel frustrated.  Because I feel like I need something, but I don’t know what it is exactly.

It’s kind of like being starving, but not knowing what you’re hungry for.

So how do I move past that?  How do I “settle” myself… even when dealing with uncertainty?   How do I turn off the noise in my head and just let myself feel what I’m feeling?

These are answers I seek.  These are things I’m practicing.  It’s hard and uncomfortable, but with time, I know it will become a part of me.  It will eventually be easy and natural.  But right now, the path to get there has little rocks that I keep stepping on that make me wince.  Yet I know I have to keep walking it.  I want to keep walking it.

There’s an illusion of comfort when holding on tight to our feelings.  We think we’re protecting ourselves and others.  But is it comfortable?  Isn’t it a burden?  In talking with a friend today about how I’ve been feeling, I said I wished I didn’t feel things so intensely.   That I wished I didn’t pick-up on the emotions and feelings of others so easily, that I wasn’t so sensitive to those things, because it’s always affected how I react, speak and behave.  I’ve always been extremely conscious of how my actions and words affect others reactions and I’ve always tried to be strategic in how I interact with the intention of lessening any assumed burdens on others.  I always thought that was a strength of mine…. but IS IT?  It’s an exhausting way to live.  Absolutely exhausting.

I’ve been practicing how to STOP doing that…to learn how to better use those traits.  Because I still believe my sensitivity and empathetic nature are positive traits to possess.  They allow me to connect with others where words and actions cannot.   And if I can free my words and actions, not let them be confined by the reactions of others, it will  deepen my connection with the people in my life even further.  It will deepen all of my relationships, old and new.

In anything we do in life, anything that’s worth doing, the early steps are always the hardest.   Always.  But we have to keep trying, we have to keep going, we cannot give up.  Otherwise, what’s the point?

“Without continual growth and progress, such words as improvement, achievement, and success have no meaning.”  –Benjamin Franklin

 

 

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